Why should you care about communication anyway?
Communication is the foundation for all meaningful human interaction. Whether the form of communication is verbal, non-verbal, or both, meaning is conveyed through communication.
Most models for improving communication focus on the sender, the message, and the receiver, but they don’t always address the underlying questions of what communication actually is and why it matters.
Communication is a means by which we share our inner environments with each other. It is essential to form relationships. If we do not know what others think and feel, we do not know them, which means we cannot create intimacy.
Language is technology.
All technology can be used for good or for ill. Sometimes it has unintended negative consequences even when we mean to use it for good. Language is no different.
Language is an imprecise technology which we use to share our inner environment with each other. What do I mean when I say inner environment? Thoughts, physical feelings, emotions, and motivations for our actions are all part of our inner environment. Others cannot see or feel what we experience in our bodies or minds so we need language to communicate those experiences to others.
The fact that those aspects of our existence are hidden from others leads to a few challenges in relationships. One challenge is that others may make assumptions that we are using language in the same way that they do, and vice versa.
If you receive a phone call at an inconvenient time and you respond with a quick text that says, “I can’t talk right now. I will call you back soon,” you may be shocked to encounter someone who is furious with you when you call back at the end of your work day.
This problem can be avoided if you give a specific time-frame when you plan to return the call, or if the person calling texts back requesting clarification of what soon means to you.
People laugh when I teach this in groups and we go around the room to ask what first occurs to each person when I use the word soon. For some people, the word soon means five minutes, and for others it can mean up to two weeks.
If you want to avoid unnecessary drama, being precise in your language may take a few seconds longer on the front end, but it can save you an hour-long argument and hurt feelings which may take a long time to heal on the back end of your communication.
Mastering communication is not about having power over others.
People who think of themselves as excellent communicators are often just good at winning arguments. If you find yourself trying to win an argument with a romantic partner, other family member, or close friend, the truth is that you have already lost because the mindset of winning an argument with someone you love is not conducive to building trust or intimacy.
What does your identity have to do with communication?
I work with a lot of people who have family members in recovery for various substance use disorders. Sometimes it is hard for family members to accept that they may need to change some aspect of their own identity to support their loved one’s new identity.
I have been asked too many times to count, “Why should I have to change when I am not the one with the problem.”
It seems like a fair enough question, but in order to answer it I need to define what I consider to be the unit of care. I define the unit of care as the patient and everyone who loves her. That includes not just family and friends, but neighbors, co-workers, yoga teachers, church members, and anyone else who cares about the client.
Based on my definition of the unit of care, the problem does not only belong to the identified patient. The identified patient has the lion’s share of responsibility for making changes, but others who refuse to make changes are missing out on an opportunity to create a healthier emotional ecosystem for the entire community.
Some family members identify heavily with the idea that they are “straight-shooters” who “tell it like it is,” and they may take offense when I try to teach them gentler communication skills because they interpret what I have to offer as asking them to be smaller in some way, as if I am asking them to give up their freedom, when I am simply offering them ways to be more artful with their direct communication.
Others, are very anxious that they must be “nice people” or that they must at least “not be mean to others” and they conflate setting boundaries with being mean, which are two separate issues. In reality, it could be considered mean to be indirect or wishy-washy about boundaries because that does not help others know where they stand in the relationship, and knowing where one stands is essential for feeling safe.
Some family members simply refuse to even try to learn what I have to offer because they feel resentful about having to make any changes to accommodate the identified patient.
On the other hand, folks who have chosen not to cling to their narrow definitions of themselves as “straight-shooters” or “nice people” have told me that the techniques I have taught them have improved their relationships with everyone, including strangers. The foundational principles I teach do not take anything away from anyone. They are ways to be more skillful, which creates more freedom of expression, not less.
It is possible to be direct in a way that is less off-putting to others than the way that many people who identify themselves as “straight-shooters” communicate. Those who hold less power in a relationship, such as employees or dependent family members, may have developed coping mechanisms to deal with the straight-shooter, but that does not necessarily mean that they enjoy being on the receiving end of brutally honest communications.
In fact, when you really think about it, there is no need to be brutal when being honest. The people I have worked with who were willing to be brutally honest with themselves about their brutal honesty toward others soon came to the conclusion that they were using their brutal honesty as an excuse to be aggressive and that it was not getting them the results they really wanted. It might have been a way to get others to do what they wanted, but it did not enhance their fulfillment in their relationships, it did not build trust, and it did not foster intimacy.
At the other end of the spectrum, many people have difficulty setting loving boundaries because there are so few role-models for that type of behavior in the world. This leads many people to equate setting boundaries with “being mean” because that is the primary way boundaries were set with them and they in turn report feeling lost when they first start practicing setting healthy boundaries.
The freedom that comes from being able to set boundaries in a loving way and to speak honestly without being aggressive are just a couple of the ways that I help others find more fulfillment and reduce the stress in their relationships. It is thrilling to me that with a few basic skills, most people, including children, are able to create more harmony and love in their lives. If you are always the one who is “wrong” in your disagreements, you may be in relationship with someone who has learned to weaponize language, rather than to use it to connect. Ideally, I like to work with all parties involved if there are ongoing argument patterns that don’t ever seem to resolve themselves. However, even if the person who usually wins the argument is unwilling to work with me, I can teach you how to disrupt the current pattern in an effort to change it for the better. The truth is, that if you learn how to not feed the argument, it cannot continue.